My Past Isn’t a Script for My Future

As I look back over the past few weeks, it appears as though my head and heart decided to ring in the new year by declaring a vicious war against one another. This degree of unprecedented inner turmoil has left me out of sorts, at a loss to explain myself. And then I wondered, “Could…

Haunted by the Ghosts of Words

“Speech Delay” The words we don’t say Haunt the words we do say With their ghosts. The words we don’t say, can’t say, Mouths poised to speak Form only silent screams. _______________________ It appears this has become one of those blogs in which my poetry may now make an occasional appearance. But I’m not sorry….

Entering Unknown Territory

I’m not great at follow through, never have been. So when I started this blog, I thought it best to assign clear boundaries from the get-go. One year or forty matches, whichever came first. I didn’t really expect to finish it. Didn’t expect to love writing as much as I have. Didn’t expect to feel…

Limbo

Or “Making Peace With Absolute Uncertainty” It’s been a few days since my blog took an uncharacteristically dramatic turn in real-time. I’ve never shied away from the ugly truth here, and I won’t start now, so let me just admit that I’ve been a bit of a wreck. This stems in part from the mental…

Aftermath

What did I think would happen? I used romantic comedy references to explain how I was feeling, but I certainly didn’t expect a romantic comedy resolution (which, by the way, would have looked something like The Voyeur showing up at my doorstep, offering a short, dramatic monologue before telling me he loved me too, a…

Rejection Reflection

Sometimes The Voyeur gives me a hard time for being an optimist, for believing that people can change, for putting my heart out there in the hopes that I’ll find someone in the dumpster fire that is modern dating. But I secretly believe that he wishes he were less cynical, more like me. I mean,…

Intermission

I know that I’m more than halfway to forty, but I felt a break was in order. “Forty matches to finding myself” implies a level of self-reflection that I feel has been lacking in the last few posts. After about 7 months of relentlessly dating, matching, and messaging, I took a step back and asked…

Changing the Rules

When I first started using dating apps, I found it useful to establish some criteria for considering and eliminating potential matches. Visual cues were only going to take me so far, so I began enumerating my no’s — the things that were deal breakers. I would occasionally break my own rules, but for the most…

The Time Before: An Introduction

I started dating My Ex when I was freshly 18, a naïve virgin who desperately wanted time to hurry up so I could be an adult. I was idealistic, unrealistic, self-conscious, fiercely independent, slyly rebellious, and did I mention naïve? After four years of dating, we got married, and after 11 years of marriage, we…