The Wonder of It All

I’ve now seen The Match four times in nine days, and I feel like I’m in some kind of alternate reality in which I get what I want but don’t know quite what to do with it. Here, Fortymatches — a handsome, successful, kind, smart, funny, considerate man who’s crazy about you. Have fun!  Errrr…ok. Thanks?…

41. The Match

For the past year and a half, I’ve been grappling with recognizing and embracing my self-worth as it pertains to dating. I’ve posted several times (don’t believe me? read here or here, or here, or even here) about my belief in my own undateability, and you’ve perhaps read along as my doubts played out in…

Old Habits, New Faces

The theme in my life lately has been something along the lines of: don’t make excuses for not doing what you dream of doing — tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. Strangely, this same message was playing out for The Leo and factored heavily into his decision to break up with me. Yep, you read that right. He…

Cliffhanger

I haven’t really wanted to write this post because I know it will push me to directly confront some realities I’ve been dancing with for a moment here and there before moving onto something less gloomy. The problem is that cracks are forming in my relationship with The Leo, and they’re causing me to re-examine…

Still Kicking

Let me just say that I’ve missed writing — and by extension, my writing community here. I did manage to get some reading done, though, which is noteworthy because I’ve been in a dry spell for the past six months. I’m reading (listening to, actually, because my life is ridiculous) The Brief Wondrous Life of…

The Retired Beggar

I’ve been trying to write this post for the past few days, but my feelings are tangled up in self-preservation. There’s this part of me that doesn’t want to seem like a heartless asshole. Then there’s this other part of me that is, in fact, a heartless asshole. So it’s hard, ya know. I have…

Wait…What?

About a week and a half ago, I broke up with The Leo. And yesterday, we got back together. Let me explain. TLDR for those who don’t feel like reading the original post: The Leo called me and made it clear that he didn’t want to be “in a relationship.” Nor did he want to…

Expedition Day Five: Send Reinforcements (or Alcohol)

I reinstalled Bumble, added Hinge to my repertoire, and at five days in, I’m already feeling decidedly “meh” about all of it. Coupled with an Office Space-caliber case of the Mondays and intermittent rain clouds, my malaise had me moping around on self-pity island for the better part of the day. After I sent a…

Thats Not How it Works

Not being one to sit and wallow, and since I’m pretty much in a permanent state of introspection, I decided to pull my old friend Bumble off the cloud and add a new app, Hinge, to the line-up. My first impression of Hinge is that, by and large, it’s the exact same group of men…

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Back in December, I left a detail out of my story because it was embarrassing, but I want to share it now. It’s still embarrassing, but it illustrates a larger point. A few days before my 36th birthday, I found myself getting broken up with at an Indian restaurant. I had seen it coming, but…

The Friend Zone Nebula

I need to sort through some things, so bear with me while I analyze several conversations I’ve had with The Voyeur in the past month. Let’s travel back in time to just about four weeks ago. To set the stage, he and I were discussing plans we’d made to grab a drink after work the…

“I’m Not Worried.”

Even though I had plenty of face time with The Leo this weekend, I didn’t ever feel like the time was right for the conversation I wanted to have. I mean, what was I even going to say? You see, the thing is…the reason I asked you to stop reading the blog is because I…

The Trouble With “Too Nice”

I’ve lately started wondering about the sort of dysfunction one must experience and internalize to look at a potential romantic partner and judge them “too nice.” What does it even mean to be too nice? Am I so accustomed to assholes that I’m instantly suspicious of nice guys? (Hint: yes) By picking on this non-existent…

You Are Cordially Uninvited

I don’t doubt that what I see as my own charm, whimsy, and honesty constitute red flags for potential dates. So to any man who emerges from the obstacle course of my single-mom status and “refreshing honesty” about my shortcomings with his eyes still fixed on pursuit, I say, “Bravo, sir – bring it on.”…

The Bliss of Ignorance

I prefer when circumstances align that allow me to be either a written processor or a verbal processor. When I’m struggling with something, I come here and write about it, or I call one of the people in my inner circle, or I do some combination of the two, ultimately arriving at some level of…

Silent Rhythms

If I am a river, You are a tributary, Mingling your waters with mine, Flowing into, amongst, then away, To become a cloud Whose shape reminds me of you. If I am a path, You are a crossroad, Forcing unforeseen choices, Intersecting my progress with pleasure, The geometry of us, Diverging points on a compass…

Single Mom Seeks Unicorn

I liken this blog to a slightly more edited version of my personal journal — it’s raw, confessional, and fiercely honest. One thing I don’t want is for it to ever veer into mommy blog territory, so while you shouldn’t be concerned that this post is a trend in that direction, I do want to…

Be Stone, Not Water

Love yourself enough today to be stone. Damn. If you’ve read through some of my posts, you already know I’ve not always been stalwart. I’ve been amenable. I’ve fallen victim to loneliness and longing, and it’s led me to precisely the point the author cautions me to avoid: the place where I’m water, surrounded by…

Deep Cuts

The original forty wrapped about a month ago, and if you’ve read through even a select smattering of my dating posts, you may have noticed how much I changed from the beginning of My Year to where I am today. Reaching my goal of posting my stories here has me feeling a bit introspective, so…

…What She’s Having

I find myself thinking a lot lately about When Harry Met Sally — or rather, about the film’s central question: can men and women be friends without sex getting in the way? I’ve made several friends over the past year or so, most notably The Confidante and The Voyeur (my many years of French classes…