Be Stone, Not Water

IMG_0843Love yourself enough today to be stone. Damn.

If you’ve read through some of my posts, you already know I’ve not always been stalwart. I’ve been amenable. I’ve fallen victim to loneliness and longing, and it’s led me to precisely the point the author cautions me to avoid: the place where I’m water, surrounded by the sea. There’s nothing unique about that story. I imagine most of us have been there at some time or another. But even if we didn’t have the words to explain the self-loathing that comes from offering ourselves up to someone unworthy of our time and attention, we all know on some level that we wished we had been stone instead.

Let’s face it, when I’m cuddled under my blanket, looking for the warm legs beside me to bury my ice-cube toes under until the feeling returns, except there are no warm legs to be found — that’s when I’m susceptible to softening my stone-like self to the pleas and platitudes of the not-so-good-for-me men.

When I’m at the movie theater with an unholy quantity of popcorn balanced on my lap with no one to share it with, no one’s hand to hold, and no one’s ear to brush my lips against as I whisper about shooting locations and anachronisms — that’s when I’m amenable to the “wyd” text from the dude who has no business in my life.

And I imagine for many of us, as Singles Awareness Day makes it annual visit to our offices, Instagram feeds, and drug store seasonal aisles, our awareness of what we lack may lead us to abandon our stone-selves in favor of the temporary enjoyment of our water-selves.

Which is why I need and appreciate reminders such as this Facebook post. Yielding isn’t the problem. It’s who I yield to that dictates how I feel about myself on February 15th, or any “next day” of the year. Allowing Lonely to drive or giving the controls over to Libido rarely leads to the kind of story I’d be proud to post on social media. But really, social media be damned. I’ve got to look myself in the eyes each morning. And in the battle of stone and water, I know which one I want to be.


3 Comments Add yours

  1. Aly says:

    Just stumbled across your page after reading your comment on one of Ash’s posts on our little blog. My god, I love your writing and your honesty. And I love that you had a year of living promiscuously – I too have had a similar journey and find all of this incredibly relatable. I can’t wait to read more! This … is beautiful stuff. ❤ Thank you for sharing your story!


    1. fortymatches says:

      Wow, I hardly even know how to respond to such generous praise! Your comment is so affirming and encouraging, and your timing is impeccable. I can’t wait to check out your stuff — how cool that we’ve followed similar paths. Hooray for instant connections! 💛

      Liked by 1 person

  2. fortymatches says:

    Also, I realize now that I have read some of your stuff, and I loved it. I even texted your word of the year post to my two best friends. You two are fantastic!


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