27. The Cop

castle-1583281_1920I guess technically, I haven’t ended things with The Cop. He texts me about once a month and we exchange flirty pleasantries. There’s always talk of “next time I see you,” but it’s been a few months, and I’m not sure that there will be a next time. I know he’s more than his profession, but it has always been a challenge to separate him from his police self, from the media images of brutality and injustice and racially-charged violence and bias-fueled abuse.

Another consideration about dating The Cop was when it became clear by the second date that we had fairly divergent political beliefs. While he doesn’t cling as closely to his principles as I do to mine, I decided it was best to not broach politically-charged topics with him. This self-censorship is tiring and leaves me feeling stifled.

Recently, he proposed acting out a kidnapping fantasy involving handcuffs. Having grown wary of restraints after The Amateur, and knowing that any kidnapping scenario would involve a 45 minute drive to his place, I felt conflicted. I have found no specific reason to be distrustful of him, and that particular fantasy is fairly sexually exciting, yet I’m hesitant to engage him further for the two reasons mentioned above. And for one other reason not mentioned: I’m just not that into him. He’s pleasant, funny, attractive, respectful, hard-working…and yet, not the man for me. It’s inexact, immeasurable even, but we’ve never had “it,” and I’m sure that he’d say the same.

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