10. The Texter
The Texter: Thanks for meeting me for coffee. Unfortunately I can’t stay long. I just found out my friend is in town for tonight only, and he wants to hang out.
Me: Oh, no problem. Let’s just get to know each other for a bit, and we can both be on our way.
<30 minutes of pleasant chatter about jobs, children, movies, and coffee>
T: Well, have a good night. It was nice meeting you.
Me: Yeah, really nice. Thanks for the coffee.
T (via text, 5 minutes after saying goodbye): How do you think that went?
<I’m driving, so I neither read nor reply>
T (via text 1 minute later): I’m not really a date guy, more of a homebody. I like to hang out at my place, barbecue, watch movies. Would you be interested in that?
<I reach a red light and glance at his messages. As I’m replying…>
T (via text): Ok. Fine. I see how it is.
Me (via text): Ummm….I was driving and couldn’t reply, but thanks for saving me the trouble. Best of luck!
11. The Fool
This diminutive former musician with lovely eyes and a teenager’s libido, came by his nickname for several reasons:
- his insistence that his penis was fundamentally opposed to condom use (this, despite terrifying STI statistics and his active, non-monogamous sex life)
- his claim that a cat can have bulimia as a sympathetic response to its owner’s eating disorder
- his penchant for sleeping with girls in their early 20’s because he wanted to make sure he still could (this, despite his claim that women in their 30’s are much better in bed and are generally less of an emotional shit show)
12. The Douchebag
There can only be one winner here. Many congratulations to The Douchebag, who earned the dubious honor of this superlative by:
- Mentioning his “medicine” (read: weed) no fewer than five times during our longest-thirty-minutes-of-my-life date
- Expressing relief that I look good in person, unlike those women who have nice faces but “SpongeBob bodies”
- Roping the bartender into agreeing with him that lots of women are catfishing in this way
- Texting me once a month or so for several months, always “wyd?” and always after midnight