Left Swipe: A Foolproof Methodology to Ensure Rejection

fish-2650625_1920Let’s pause from the stories of matches that were and spend a few minutes in honor of those that were never meant to be. For those who don’t know, dating apps are primarily visual — 6 or so pictures with a short bio. If you like someone, you swipe right, and if you aren’t interested, you swipe left. But there are some men who do a pretty great job of disqualifying themselves before the bio ever comes into play. Here’s a list of what I call my Left Swipe Criteria (if any of these things are present in a user’s profile pictures, they receive an automatic left swipe):

  • dead animals (this includes fish)
  • guns
  • 3+ group shots (which one are you?)
  • sports cars
  • pictures with impoverished children (i.e. I went on a mission trip!)
  • finger guns
  • low-quality pictures/incorrectly oriented pictures (it’s 2018, learn to use technology)
  • gym selfies
  • no visible teeth (always assume the worst)
  • hats in every pic (I assume you have a Trump comb-over under there)
  • Toms (seriously, grown men should not wear Toms)
  • gold chains
  • bad haircuts
  • neck tattoos

Oh, and if that makes me seems shallow, here are my Left Swipe Criteria for the bio — if I see the following words/phrases, it’s an automatic left swipe:

  • partner in crime/PIC
  • good vibes only (what does that even mean?)
  • “gym” used as a verb (as in “I gym 4 days a week”)
  • ride or die
  • list of dislikes
  • glaring grammatical mistakes
  • excessive spelling errors
  • a bio composed entirely of television shows you like

3 Comments Add yours

  1. My god , if I see one more profile with fish or “good vibes.” The group shots are especially annoying. I don’t feel like playing Where’s Waldo?

    Like

    1. fortymatches says:

      “Good vibes only” translates roughly to “I want to have sex and enjoy hanging out with you, but once we have our first fight, peace out cuz I don’t do bad vibes. It was in my profile — so you can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

      Liked by 1 person

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